Dealing With Death - When Mom Became Marehemu (THE LATE)

IN THE LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE MOM KAWEMBE  <<Mama Renoir>>

Earlier this morning I received a call from the wife of one of our kidney patients who has been hospitalized for some time now. His case got a little complicated and he rested on Monday. My deep condolences to the family and may God grant them, all the strength and comfort they need during this time of mourning. 
I keep telling the bereaved families how “GOD DAENT GIVE ONE WHAT THEY CAN’T HANDLE” , He only allows it to happen when he knows that we are stronger and ready to handle each situation. I know what they are going through right now an I want them to know this; God has a reason for everything and you can handle this because I too did.

The reason as to why I decided to start with this sad story is because one of my Facebook friends lost his mom late last month and I know his wound is still too fresh and he might need to know some things about how to deal with the loss and how to handle himself during this hard time. From the little information that I got, I know that his mom was a cancer patient though I’m not sure what type of cancer and for how long she had been sick. To cut the long intro short, let’s get started.

MAREHEMU, a Swahili name for “the late”, a person who died. Anyone dealing with loss of a loved one right now and is reading this might think that that’s a bit harsh. Well, don’t worry, I felt that too, at first, then it became everyone’s song. My mom, Pauline Kawembe became marehemu!!  You just have to know how to react to that because it’s never going to stop even after burial. People no longer seem to remember their names and the new name you’ll encounter is “MWILI”. This was the most disgusting name they gave my mom when she was retained in the mortuary for a month because of the pending bill at the hospital she was at.

“MWILI,,,,, reeeeeeallly?”  I have no idea how many times I felt like punching people referring to mom as mwili. Then I’d get pissed to an extend that I never showed up in all matanga meetings held by the elders. I used to meet with my church media crew, workmates, friends, just age mates at large because they referred to my mom as “Mama Renoir”. That was better, at least they didn’t seem to have forgotten mom’s name that fast. Now this is where I got it all wrong!!! I WAS IN DENIAL OF MY LOSS!!

My experience was a bit tough because I had to mourn in phases.

PHASE 1: MOURNING THAT SHE IS GONE.

It’s 5:30 am in the morning and I receive a phone call from our family doctor, Dr. Wala of The Aga Khan University Hospital and the nephrologist that was monitoring her throughout that time that she was sick.

“We have a problem and you might need to come to the hospital”, he said. Then I froze and the next thing I recall saying was, “yes, am on my way”

I can’t explain how I got there but I was lucky my 20year old had come over the previous night to our place so at least I had someone with me. We get to the hospital and her whole body is covered with a white sheet and all the life-support machines connected to her system the previous night are being cleared from her room. Then it hit me,,,she is no more!

I uncover her, hug her, and touch her face, her hands, feet………sad! She was gone. Mourning starts. (I’ll cover this story in another blog post later on)

NOTE: I ARRIVED WITH MY COUSIN AT THE LADNAN HOSPITAL THAT DAY JUST A FEW MINUTES TO 7AM accompanied by my lil cousin Drew and FAMILY MEMBERS STARTED STREAMING IN AT 10AM.

PHASE 2: MOURNING WITH FAMILY

So family arrives at the hospital and starts looking at you with those sympathetic eyes and they are the first people to start offering the first condolences (affirming that you are not just dreaming, it’s done). This phase also includes you moving in with one of them for the “mourning and healing session”. This happens especially if you are from a single-parent family. In this case I was, and the only kid.  Moving in makes you feel like you are left all alone in this world and people have to accommodate you because it’s now their duty to be your new parent or guardian. It was never fun for me I felt like they were trying to replace my lovely mom of which knew they wouldn’t measure up to her coz my mom was just irreplaceable.

Note: People ask you to move in for your healing process to be easier for you and for you to have distractions especially if you are an only kid like me but not to replace your mom or family member. Make use of it. They may want to do more for you but this is THE ONLY and the BEST THING they can offer at that moment. So take it!

PHASE 3: MOURNING FOR THE BODY

I remember talking to my spiritual mom Pst.Mary Achero of the HOUSE OF GRACE CHURCH, EMBAKASI, several time about dealing with nightmares and the encounters you have with your mom in your dreams. She kept saying how “THE LIVING AND THE DEAD HAVE NO CONNECTION” and in as much as you may enjoy seeing them in your dreams it is not spiritually okay to do so.

Due to a huge bill at the hospital my mom’s body was retailed for ONE WHOLE MONTH at the mortuary and that meant my healing would take one more month on top of the normal healing time that maybe I was to have on a normal case. I was tortured by the thought of my mom remaining in a freezer for one month and sleeping next to strangers (bodies of other dead people). I would imagine how cold she felt living in a freezer 24/7 and not dressed at all. It was the hardest time of my life but funny enough I was stronger than I’d ever imagined and each time such thoughts reappeared I was distracted by my pals who were always there. I would like to honor and appreciate one awesome lady Immaculate Mutua who has been there since mom got sick till date. May God bless her soul and her ways.

NOTE: The late is part of you. Their images and images of each day you spend together are all stored in your subconscious mind so let no lie to you that you won’t dream about them. The first dreams may freak you out because you are in denial but with time you get used to it.

My pastors asked me to be praying about it because mine have been crazy and I actually don’t have nightmares anymore. I THANK GOD. Don’t worry it will come to an end.

PHASE 4: BURIAL MOURNING

My mom passed on 8^th of January this year and was laid to rest at our Kitui home on the eve of valentine. So apart from me not having any valentines’ celebrations. This is the worst experience you are going to have as the bereaved but remember what I told you,,,,GOD CANT ALLOW WHAT YOU CANT HANDLE HAPPEN TO YOU. So, yes, you can and you will handle this quite well.

I was supposed to go with the hearse but after viewing the body that morning I got too weak. Mom’s body had changed quite a lot. One month in that mortuary,,,,,,smh! May her soul rest in peace.

So I hop into the car that my closest pals were in and they wouldn’t even allow me to shed a tear all the way home. They kept cracking jokes but in as much as they tried to keep my head occupied, the idea of me finally saying goodbye for good to my lovely mom kept slipping into my head.

Then when we got to the funeral service things worsened. A thousand people in attendance wanted to personally say sorry and I didn’t want to take because I was still in denial. Then when the body was lowered and they covered her grave up. It hit me, IT’S OFFICIALLY OVER NOW!

That night was the longest night I’ve ever had my whole life. I had the worst imaginations of how my mom wasn’t breathing well and how soon her body would now turn into remains and he story and name would be history. People would no longer call her “body” or “marehemu”. They would forget that she existed.

NOTE: We will all go through this process. If you believe in “LIFE AFTER DEATH AND RESURRECTION” then it helps you start accepting reality and eases your acceptance process. God comforts you in every way you ask him and he heals your wound slowly by slowly because this is a major process. You may have all sorts of imagination and not know who best to share it with especially if you don’t talk as much I do but God becomes your best comforter. It doesn’t matter whether you are too religious or not, God listens to us all because a father listens to all his kids and loves them equally. He will help you the best way anyone can. So trust in him.

 MOURNING NEVER ENDS EVEN AFTER BURIAL YOU MOURN BECAUSE YOU NEVER STOP MISSING YOUR LOVED ONES.THIS KIND OF MOURNING IS MORE LIKE JUST RECALLING HOW MUCH SPACE THEY LEFT , IN OUR HEARTS AND OUR LIVES AT LARGE.

If you are going through loss of a loved one and would like to talk drop me a mail on: renoircreations@gmail.com and check out my next story on “DEALING WITH KIDNEY FAILURE NEXT WEDNESDAY” on this blog

LOVE YOU ALL, GOD BLESS!

REGARDS,

#RENOIRKenya.